This topic has been debated quite a bit, and the general consensus is that it really depends on the person. You know your loved one better than anyone; if you think he or she can handle it, then the answer is probably yes. You have to think about how it will affect them and whether telling them is of any benefit. It may also be useful to consider how he or she has handled stressful situations in the past.

If the person who has died is someone your loved one saw every day and will be missed, it may be beneficial to inform your loved one. The difficult part of this is that due to the short term memory loss, your loved one will more than likely forget and keep asking you about the person. At that time you will have to decide again whether to keep retelling the new or to use “therapeutic fibs.” Therapeutic fibs are ways to protect the person with dementia by responding to their questions without upsetting them unnecessarily. You can try telling your loved one about the deceased person and see how it goes, but if he or she continues to ask, you can say that the person isn’t here right now. You can say he or she isn’t here, and you’re not sure where they are, but you know that they are okay and in a safe place.

Whether or not to tell them about a death also depends on the stage of your loved one’s disease. In the early to middle stages of dementia, you may feel obligated to tell your loved one about a death, whereas in the later stages, telling probably wouldn’t be beneficial. No matter what the stage, if the deceased person was not around your loved one on a regular basis, telling your loved one may not be beneficial.

The same issue arises if your loved one asks about their parents. Often, your loved one’s parents have been gone for many years, but because the person is drawing on long-term memory, he or she is thinking about them again. The best way to handle this is through validation; you can say, “I know your parents aren’t here now and you miss them, but they are okay and they know where you are.” Then the two of you can reminisce.

Tags: alzheimers, caregiving, dementia